The Matrix: Breadbox Edition
by Retrograde
Summary: Could the movie actually be *gasp* ...a metaphor!?


(Author's Note: Inspiration for abridgement comes from the breadboxes of Evadne. "The Matrix" doesn't belong to me. It's really a movie from Warner Brothers. A lot of people liked it. I risk offending all of them.)  
  


THE MATRIX: BREADBOX EDITION  
  


FADE IN: DIGITS scrolling across a COMPUTER DISPLAY: Voices of TRINITY and CYPHER.

  
  
VOICE OF TRINITY  
I love him.  
  
VOICE OF CYPHER  
You know I'm going to kill him.  
  
VOICE OF TRINITY  
Wait, this conversation isn't supposed to happen  
for another hour.  
  
VOICE OF VISUAL FX  
Pay no attention to the people.  
I'm the central character in this story.  
  


TRANSITION to BUILDING INTERIOR where MOVIE COPS break in on TRINITY

  
  
MOVIE COPS  
Raise your hands while we stand in a nice row for you  
like the movie lummoxes we are.  
  


TRINITY knocks over the MOVIE COPS like DOMINOS  
and then stops to make another PHONE CALL.

  
  
TRINITY  
Boss, I think we're in a Keystone movie.  
  


TRINITY flees across rooftops from AGENT BROWN and more MOVIE COPS.

  
  
MOVIE COPS  
Look at them jump!  
Since we can't follow, let's bumble.  
  


TRINITY cannot outpace AGENT BROWN by flying, but she can by falling down a STAIRWAY.  
She escapes by winning the race to a PHONE BOOTH.  
  
TRANSITION TO the screen of NEO's computer,  
which is doing its best research when NEO is ASLEEP.

  
  
COMPUTER MESSAGE  
Wake up, mister hacker-whiz.  
Haven't you heard of color monitors yet?  
  


NEO rises to open his door to a group of STONERS

  
  
NEO  
Here is your contraband.  
Don't tell any of these other guys watching  
that you got it from me.  
  
STONER DUDE  
You are Jesus Christ. Am I being subtle enough?  
  
STONER CHICK  
I think a groggy, pasty, bleary-eyed stranger  
would be fun to take partying.  
  


INT. THE SLO-MO DANCE CLUB: TRINITY slithers through the crowd to NEO.

  
  
TRINITY  
I can take you to Morpheus,  
but I'll wait until you are first arrested and bugged.  
  


INT. THE GENERIC MEGACORPORATION OFFICE: CARDBOARD BOSS chews out NEO.

  
  
CARDBOARD BOSS  
Your job is to sit in a cube and do nothing.  
I expect you to do it on time.  
  


NEO returns to his CUBE to get busy doing NOTHING.  
A CELL PHONE is delivered with a call from MORPHEUS.

  
  
VOICE OF MORPHEUS  
They're coming to get you. Do exactly as I say.  
  
NEO  
Okay.  
  
VOICE OF MORPHEUS  
Scurry like a crab.  
  
NEO  
Righto.  
  
VOICE OF MORPHEUS  
Dive into the conveniently empty office.  
  
NEO  
Done.  
  
VOICE OF MORPHEUS  
Now step out the 11th floor window and cling to the sheer glass.  
  
NEO  
Uh...  
  
VOICE OF MORPHEUS  
Too bad champ. You had your chance.  
  


AGENTS take NEO downtown to a BARE ROOM for questioning.

  
  
AGENT SMITH  
I'm going to groan every word I say to you  
in hopes that it will win your confidence.  
  
NEO  
No thanks.  
  
AGENT SMITH  
Then I'll give you a toy. Remember "Transformers"?  
  
NEO  
I never could stomach those things.  
  
VOICE OF VISUAL FX  
I'm back. I'm about to take over the movie.  
  


As the AGENTS wrestle the thrashing NEO to the table,  
he somehow falls ASLEEP and wakes up in his room to answer his PHONE.

  
  
VOICE OF MORPHEUS  
You've been traced, monitored, probed and bugged in every way,  
but I decided to call you at your home number anyhow.  
  


NEO goes to the street to be picked up by TRINITY in a car.

  
  
TRINITY  
I'm going to press the barrel of a big  
techno-bazooka into your belly, so relax.  
  
NEO  
No prob. I'm cool with outlaw insurgents  
doing surgery on me in a moving car.  
  


NEO arrives at the meeting point to be greeted by MORPHEUS.

  
  
MORPHEUS  
Hi. I'm Morpheus. I'm into derelict buildings.  
Have you been told that you're Jesus Christ yet?  
  
NEO  
I heard.  
  
MORPHEUS  
As the main black guy in the story,  
I will now be politically incorrect and offer you drugs.  
  
NEO  
Since I have to let you manipulate my thinking  
for most of the movie, I'll take them.  
  
VISUAL FX  
Ta-da! Center stage is mine!  
Bow in awe before me!  
  


NEO trips out and sees thousands of PEOPLE floating in giant glass TOILETS.  
A MAINTENANCE ROBOT confronts him.

  
  
MAINTENANCE ROBOT  
If you don't lie down for your daily full-body shave,  
I'll flush you.  
  


NEO gets flushed.

  
  
NEO  
Wow! Did they build personal water slides  
for everybody?  
  


NEO drops into the sewer, then is lifted into the NEBUCHADNEZZAR.

  
  
MORPHEUS  
Welcome to my mysteriously levitating vessel.  
Real world gravity doesn't work too well either.  
  
VISUAL FX  
I'm still here. Don't you ignore me.  
  
MORPHEUS  
This is my crew...  
Apoc, Trinity, Cypher, Switch, Tank, Dozer, Mouse.  
The ones who will die get the less interesting nicknames.  
  
NEO  
What happened to me?  
  
MORPHEUS  
Your old life is finished. Now you're in transition.  
It's part of the Jesus image. I'll show you.  
  


MORPHEUS and NEO sit in the VIDEOGAME CHAIRS and start playing.

  
  
MORPHEUS  
Humans are enslaved by robots. You've come to free them.  
They're all lost in cyber-world.  
  
NEO  
You're telling me the world of flying submarines,  
hunter robots and cyber-humans is reality,  
and 9-to-5 city life is the videogame?  
  
MORPHEUS  
...and you're Jesus. Makes sense to me.  
  
NEO  
Stop the game. I'm going to be sick.  
  
MORPHEUS  
Sorry about shaking you up like that,  
much as I enjoyed doing it.  
  


Since day and night don't exist, NEO rises early the next whatever  
to begin his software installation, I mean training.

  
  
TANK  
Hello. May I pump a truckload of foreign data  
into your brain?  
  
NEO  
Hey, the amateur surgery didn't bother me. Go for it.  
  
TANK  
Have some martial arts training. It consists of watching  
a digital mannequin standing in eight poses.  
  
MORPHEUS  
Let's try another videogame and see what you've learned.  
  


MORPHEUS and NEO fight a little bit and argue a lot.

  
  
MORPHEUS  
Nyahh, nyahh. Can't hit me.  
  
NEO  
The dance music is throwing me off!  
  
MOUSE  
Wow! Look at him fight! He's awesome!  
  
SWITCH  
Yup. Too bad we never thought of  
putting Kung Fu into our own brains.  
  
MORPHEUS  
Use the Force!  
  
NEO  
I can't. There aren't enough visual effects.  
  
MORPHEUS  
I can fix that. Let's jump off a building.  
  


MORPHEUS jumps from one SIMULATED BUILDING to another.  
The videogame is RIGGED so that NEO falls trying the same jump,  
which is shown in slow motion for MAXIMUM HUMILIATION.

  
  
NEO  
That boingy pavement was the worst visual effect yet.  
  
VISUAL FX  
Watch it, pasty boy, or I'll humiliate you in all your scenes.  
  


INT. NEBUCHADNEZZAR CONSOLE AT NIGHT, I MEAN AT LIGHTS-OUT

  
  
CYPHER  
Have some of Dozer's moonshine.  
It creeps me that the black characters  
initiate all the substance abuse.  
  
NEO  
Well, the pimp is a white kid.  
  
CYPHER  
Anyway, just thought I'd mention that  
everything you've been told is wrong.  
  
NEO  
Doesn't matter.  
I quit believing everybody long ago.  
  


INT. BOURGEOIS RESTAURANT, AGENT SMITH SWEET-TALKS CYPHER

  
  
AGENT SMITH  
It takes a whole crew of pirate broadcasters to hack in and out of the Matrix,  
so how do you secretly just show up alone?  
  
CYPHER  
I like virtual steak better than creamed corn,  
so I agree to murder all my friends.  
  


INT. NEBUCHADNEZZAR CONSOLE NEXT MORNING, ARGH, I MEAN AT WAKE-UP

  
  
MORPHEUS  
To your game chairs. We're going in.  
  
TANK  
Now for my airline gag,  
since I'm sure I'm the first guy ever to think of it.  
  


INT. A MORE DILAPIDATED BUILDING: MORPHEUS ANSWERS A PHONE

  
  
MORPHEUS  
We're in. Love the surroundings.  
  
TRINITY  
Maybe our rock star outfits will be inconspicuous this time.  
  
APOC  
I was supposed to say my only line somewhere.  
Did I miss it?  
  


INT. GRANNY KNOW-IT-ALL'S APARTMENT

  
  
MORPHEUS  
I've managed to confuse you somewhat.  
Now Granny Know-It-All will complete the job.  
  
BALD KID  
You must realize that there is no spoon.  
  
NEO  
What would the real Jesus say to a Zen kid?  
  
GRANNY KNOW-IT-ALL  
I've read ahead in the script, so now I'll  
mock your ignorance up one side and down the other.  
  
NEO  
Big deal. The preschoolers in the audience  
are eight jumps ahead of me by now.  
  
MORPHEUS  
Time to go. That surely was an errand  
worth risking seven lives for.  
  


INT. THE MORE DILAPIDATED BUILDING: IT'S STILL ALL ABOUT PHONES

  
  
CYPHER  
They've bricked up the windows!  
We're trapped like... like something that gets trapped a lot!  
  
NEO  
If they can control matter and energy like that,  
why not just beam us into prison?  
  
MORPHEUS  
Only one way out! Into the bathroom!  
  
NEO  
I gotta slide down another toilet pipe?  
  


AGENT SMITH arrives to beat up on MORPHEUS

  
  
NEO  
I must save him!  
  
TRINITY  
No, stupid. It's a videogame, remember?  
  


The pirates escape through the BASEMENT  
because the MOVIE COPS forget to chase them.  
  
INT. AN EVEN MORE DILAPIDATED SHOP WITH A RINGING PHONE

  
  
NEO  
Hello?  
  


INT. NEBUCHADNEZZAR GAME ROOM: CYPHER zaps TANK with a GHOSTBUSTERS GUN.

  
  
NEO  
Wrong number.  
  
TRINITY  
Gimme that phone. Who is this?  
  
CYPHER  
You can't have a Jesus story without a betrayal.  
Now I'm going to terminate all your cyber-links  
because I'm really cheesed about eating all that creamed corn!  
  
TRINITY  
Apoc! Switch! Oh, no!  
  
NEO  
That's it? They just drop over with no visual effects?  
  
TANK  
You want visual effects?  
Take this, scumface!  
  


TANK zaps CYPHER and retrieves TRINITY and NEO.

  
  
TANK  
Yes, our adversaries are robots, but we keep these  
human-killing weapons around anyway.  
  


INT. THE PLUSH CONFERENCE ROOM THAT'S REALLY AN INTERROGATION CHAMBER

  
  
AGENT SMITH  
I hate this place and I hate you!  
Hate hate hate!  
  
MORPHEUS  
You get pretty emotional for a piece of software.  
  


INT. NEBUCHADNEZZAR GAME ROOM: DAY, NIGHT, WHO CARES?

  
  
TANK  
They've got Morpheus. We have to yank his plug.  
  
NEO  
Can't we just slap him and yell, "Wake up"?  
  
TANK  
Effects or no effects, here goes.  
  
NEO  
Wait! I gotta save Morpheus, but I can't save anybody! Agh!  
Did the real Jesus wallow in self-doubt?  
  
TRINITY  
Only in the Scorsese movie.  
  
NEO  
Well, our aim is to save a life,  
so create me a billion guns for the mission.  
  


INT. THE PLUSH CONFERENCE ROOM THAT'S YADA YADA YADA...

  
  
AGENT SMITH  
Give him the injection!  
It's time for a white guy to initiate some drug abuse.  
  
AGENT BROWN  
Maybe you'd get answers if you asked him a question  
instead of just standing there venting.  
  


TRINITY and NEO start slaughtering MOVIE COPS in the LOBBY.

  
  
TRINITY  
Eat teflon, turkeys.  
We have hidden wires and you don't.  
  
NEO  
Did the real Jesus kill so many bystanders?  
  
TRINITY  
To the roof!  
  
AGENT JONES  
Insolent fool! Your visual effects are no match for mine!  
  
VISUAL FX  
It's my movie. You're all just my puppets.  
  
TRINITY  
Dodge this, chump. Oops, another bystander.  
  
NEO  
Hey, look! How convenient that people leave  
loaded combat helicopters sitting around.  
  
TANK  
I just happen to have the right piloting data disk  
in my shoebox here.  
  


TRINITY flies to the exact window on the FIRST TRY.

  
  
NEO  
Only one way to save Morpheus,  
by spraying the whole room with gunfire!  
  
MORPHEUS  
Two minutes ago I was dying.  
Now I can break chains and leap into aircraft.  
  
NEO  
He's been hit!  
  
MORPHEUS  
Gee, Visual FX, thanks for stopping me  
right in the crossfire!  
  
VISUAL FX  
Whine, whine, whine.  
Don't forget that I'm the main character.  
  
NEO  
The chopper's going down! Jump, Trinity!  
  
MORPHEUS  
Aircraft crashing into buildings?  
You're on thin political ice, here.  
  
VISUAL FX  
Oops.  
  
NEO  
Don't worry.  
Morphing people and liquid buildings  
still haven't attracted any attention.  
  
MORPHEUS  
Then let's get to a subway phone so we can get out of here.  
Just make sure it's in a run-down setting.  
  
VISUAL FX  
Okay, okay. Sorry for getting carried away back there.  
  


AGENT SMITH shows up in the subway for a FIGHT.

  
  
AGENT SMITH  
Your effects can't help you now!  
I'm a computer program with a grudge!  
  


AGENT SMITH, NEO, and VISUAL FX mix it up in a three-way FIGHT.

  
  
AGENT SMITH  
Gotcha, sucker! Now listen up.  
The villain always talks in these dramas. It's tradition.  
  


AGENT SMITH talks until a SUBWAY TRAIN hits him.  
NEO runs from more AGENTS to make a PHONE CALL.

  
  
NEO  
Hey Tank! You sent me here with all those weapons.  
Can't you send me a motorcycle?  
  
TANK  
Quick! You know the formula!  
Find a dilapidated building with a phone!  
  


TANK, the all-seeing OPERATOR, manages to guide NEO  
right into the muzzle of AGENT SMITH'S gun.

  
  
TANK  
Oops. Sorry, ace.  
  
MORPHEUS  
The robots are attacking, but go ahead and make your love speech.  
Ignore our exploding ship.  
  
TRINITY  
Now that you're dead I'm going to kiss you,  
because you just look so natural.  
  
NEO  
Wait a minute. Am I Jesus or Snow White?  
  
TANK  
Nobody's whiter.  
  
VISUAL FX  
I'm back to help you beat the bad guy.  
The directors warned me to behave.  
  


NEO and VISUAL FX, or rather,  
VISUAL FX and NEO neutralize BULLETS and AGENT SMITH.  
  
MORPHEUS discharges the PULSE that destroys  
the electronics of EVIL MACHINES but not GOOD MACHINES.  
  
FADE TO: DIGITS scrolling across a COMPUTER DISPLAY.

  
  
VOICE OF NEO  
Robot overlords take heed!  
Someday we'll ALL sit up in our glass toilets  
and refuse to be body-shaved!  
  
VOICE OF TELEPHONE  
Your call is important to us.  
Please stay on the line...  
  


THE END

  
  
NEO  
All right, my gospel message stinks...I didn't redeem anybody...  
I make a lousy Jesus. Maybe in the sequel.  
  



End file.
